Psuedo-Celebrities: A Meta-Blog Suckhole

I have discovered the world of pseudo-celebrity blogs.

Celebrity blogs are both harmless and boring. I have peeked at one or two and found that they could easily be—and probably are—written by a PA, publicist, or intern. They consist of updates of the celebrity’s professional goings on (aka free advertising) spiced up with a comment or two about how enthusiastic they are about the those goings on. Occasionally, the celebrity will feel a sudden, overwhelming obligation to use his or her fame for a cause and will throw in a blurb asking the fans to donate to a cancer charity or school supply drive. If you are especially lucky, you may find a five sentence lecture on the importance of voting.

Psuedo-celebrity blogs, on the other hand, are both dangerous and interesting. These entertainers have small, obsessive fan bases acquired from appearances in anything with a cult-like following. Been in an episode of Dr. Who, Battlestar Galactica, or anything by Joss Whedon or JJ Abrahams? Are you a former Kid in the Hall that was never put on a show on NBC? UCB that isn’t Amy Poehler? The State that was never part of a Comedy Central series? Have you ever voiced anything on Cartoon Network? Are you a standup comedian who has never been offered a pilot and has more YouTube hits per day than actual audience members? Do you know real famous people, work just enough to be cooler and more successful than your fans, and have a sense of humor about how you are not a real celebrity? Do you actually know things about politics? Are you a little bit of a fanboy/girl yourself? Then congratulations! You are the perfect pseudo-celebrity to start a blog. You can only benefit from nerds obsessing over an imagined internet connection with you. They will drop your name to show off the extent of their knowledge of the pseudo-obscure. They will talk with each other about how cool and down to earth you are. They will repeat your opinions to people as if they were their own. You will become their MySpace status and their Facebook favorite quote until one day—if you are lucky—references to you will sprout into a full grown meme… and not even the kind that drips with sarcasm and irony.

Yes, these blogs are tempting. Because these pseudo-celebrities actually have free time on their hands to search YouTube and look at the political blogs and check Twitter, these sites are amusing, educational, and frequently updated. You will be cooler and more interesting to your friends for knowing the information on these blogs.

But beware! Do not replace your real-world friends with doubly fake ones!

Way in which a pseudo-celebrity is not your real friend #1 -> the only contact you will have with them is online. No matter how many times you comment, she will never go out for a beer with you.

Way in which a psuedo-celebrity is not your real friend #2 -> he may respond to your posts from time to time, but your pseudo-celebrity blogger will not have any idea who you are, will probably never read your blog, and will certainly have no interest in you outside of your interest in him.

My current pseudo-celebrity blog interests are ones I have stolen from friends: John Hodgman and James Urbaniak. They are only the beginning. I will keep you informed of where I go from here.