Dear Religious Racists, You Are the Nerdiest of Nerds: An Argument in Two Parts

Part One: believing in the bible is like playing D&D all the time.

As a fundamentalist Christian, you take the Bible literally. You literally believe that Hell is literally a place that—if you literally break certain literal rules—you will literally go when you literally die. Sinners will literally be sent to another dimension. Where else is Hell located if not another dimension? You are no longer visible in the three dimensions we can see. Also, you supposedly go downwards to get to Hell which—in this dimension of this reality—just puts you in a bunch of molten iron. You believe in this “Hell” dimension knowing full well that more than half of the other people in the world don’t believe in it. You insist that everyone is the playing this “Hell” game—even those who have called “I’m not playing"—even the millions who have never even heard of the rules of the game. You believe that an omnipotent power (no more “benevolent” than Q from Start Trek: The Next Generation) is going to send millions of people to another dimension to suffer eternal misery for breaking rules they didn’t know existed to begin with. Your game is actually less well-thought-out and reasonable than the average RPG. You are living your life in a giant LARPing game of D&D, pretending everyone else is playing even when they aren’t, and taking your orders from the Salvation-master’s guide. Have a D20, you freak. Every game is different! Your DM may be your pastor, your priest, or even your favorite talk-radio host! Talk to him about Guide interpretation issues.

Part Two: using the bible to justify racism is like that extra-annoying kid who keeps making up his own rules


Now that you know you are playing a game, let’s talk about fair play. You can’t change the rules, and you can’t make up your own. The game book states the rules, your DM interprets the rules, and you play the game.


Here are two fun, topical examples of things addressed in the rules of your Dungeon Master’s Guide—the bible.


Example #1: John McCain – someone who DID violate the rules of the game.

John McCain has had two wives. 2! The first one was a divorcée and pretty swimsuit model… until she got in an accident and her legs were disfigured and she gained weight. Then, she sure as heck wasn’t a swimsuit model anymore. So, after having extra-marital affairs, John McCain divorced her to marry the 24-year-old daughter of James Willis "Jim" Hensley, the wealthy founder of Hensley & Co.

What rule of the Dungeon Master’s Guide did this person break? Well, goodness me, that would be Mathhews 5:32, “But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

Also, whoever actually commits adultery commits adultery. Am I right? Right? Eh?

Depending on your DM, John McCain violated up to three rules of your game right there!


Example #2: Barack Obama/Barack Obama’s parents – people who DID NOT violate the rules of the game.

Barack Obama is bi-racial. His dad was African and his mom was white American.

What rule of the Dungeon Master’s Guide did these people break? NONE. Turns out, the bible doesn’t say anything about racial purity. It just doesn’t. Hebrews fuck Egyptians, Abraham begets with his slave girl, and all sorts of tribes intermarry. About the only anthropomorphic thing you can’t “know” is an angel. Sorry, but your game permits for the creation of as many Barack Obamas as you want.


Every board game—and certainly every D&D game—has “that kid.” He is the nerdiest of nerds.

“I get a super-hot girlfriend ‘cause my charisma points are so high, and she gets an extra roll for me, and if a troll tries to attack me, I can just feed it my hot girlfriend and get another.”

Don’t be that kid, racist fundamentalist. Don’t make up fake rules just ‘cause you don’t like the fact that you keep losing. Everyone hates that kid.

Closing Statement:

Believing in the bible is as geeky and ridiculous as LARPing D&D all day, every day
+ the bible is the Dungeon Master’s Guide in the D&D game of Christianity
+ using the bible to justify racism is making up rules that don't exist
+ the guy who makes up rules is “that kid”
+"that kid" is the nerdiest of nerds
=> a fundamentalist racist is nerdiest of nerds—so annoying that even the other D&D geeks hate him

Q.E.D.