A Boy Called Byron: The Story of Ju Gao

For the last few days, I have been collecting e-mails for an academic title e-campaign. This involves google searching faculty directories, then copying and pasting data into a spreadsheet. Often, I have to outwit spambot filters to get e-mail addresses.
Key examples of my brilliant problem solving:

1) I copy and paste everything into notebook. Notebook is too stupid for formatting. This strips all the hidden programming, links, and font and sizing nonsense off of the text so it doesn't eff up my pretty spreadsheet.

2) Sometimes, the tech gurus at the universities will spell out dots and @s to thwart e-mail stealers. Once I have the data in notebook, I simply use my highly-lauded search and replace genius. (in this search and replace a “_” indicates a space)

professor AT cs DOT BSU DOT edu

Find: _AT_
Replace with: @

Find: _DOT_
Replace with: .

Now, you have - professor@cs.bsu.edu

I win.

Yes, this is as boring and tedious as it sounds. You are probably even bored reading about it.

Here is the only even remotely interesting discovery of my day:
Assistant Professor Ju (Byron) Gao

When looking for computer science professors—or through my prep-school yearbook—it is not uncommon to see someone with an Asian (usually tonal, like Korean or Chinese) name and an American name. That isn't odd to me. What is odd to me is Bryon.

Here is how I imagine the naming-our-baby conversation to have gone between dear Byron's parents:

Mrs. Gao - Dear! Look at our new baby!
Mr. Gao - Yes! Finally, he has arrived! What a handsome boy.
Mrs. Gao - Really? I think he has your mother's nose.
Mr. Gao - You are always cracking wise about my mother's nose!
Mrs. Gao - Well, have you seen it?!? It looks like an unpeeled lychee fruit!
Mr. Gao - Haha! Yes. What an incredibly humorous and ethnically appropriate joke to make! Her nose IS both round and red! Hahahaha! Do not worry; our son will grow into his nose.
Mrs. Gao - ...perhaps.
Mr. Gao - Let us hope.
Mrs. Gao - Yes.
(long pause)
Mrs. Gao - Let us name our son Ju!
Mr. Gao - After your fat uncle?
(another long pause)
Mr. Gao - Fine. But we must give him an American name also. One that his American friends will be familiar with.
Mrs. Gao - Yes. Yes. So that he does not get the plum sauce kicked out of him at school.
Mr. Gao - Yes! Hahaha! What another wonderful, Asian joke you have made, my dear. Let us call him Byron.
Mrs. Gao - Perfect! What a delightfully American name! Surely now, he will grow up to play football.
Mr. Gao - Yes. He will play football and get constant sex from loose, American girls.
Mrs. Gao - We can only hope!
Mr. and Mrs. Gao - (lovingly and with pride) Byyyyron!


Seriously? What. The. Hell. Ju is a nice, simple, one-syllable name that most American kids—even the dumb ones—can pronounce. It's not like his Chinese name was Xiaohui or Xuerong. You know he didn’t pick his own American name, ‘cause no five-year-old picks Byron. If Ju had picked his own name, he would have been “Steve” or “John” or—at worst— Gannendorf, Superman, or Astronaut Von PowerPants. But Ju didn’t pick his own name; his parents gave him an American name, and out of all the American names in the world, they picked BYRON. Maybe they did it on purpose. Maybe they wanted their child to focus on his studies, so they gave him a name they knew was guaranteed to keep him from ever getting laid... ever. Ever.

Well, congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Gao, little Byron grew up to be a Computer Science professor. Looks like your plan worked.