Search and Replace 1: Jesus into Candyland

Below: a recent e-mail conversation

E-mail #1: Me to, like, 10 people

So, I am supposed to be writing the marketing copy for the book Simple Understanding. Here is the text I have been given on this book and am supposed to shape into something we can use:

This is a very personal study of the Christian faith. K.P Sookdeocalls on many of his own life experiences as he looks at the wayChristianity works in modern life. He also considers the variety ofways in which humanity is prone to being led astray from the path of God. The author covers a wide range of aspects of life, includinglove, wisdom, home life and the way we appear to others, the life of Jesus, Christmas, the behaviour of church leaders, and Heaven and Hell, among others. K.P. Sookdeo relates the issues that he discussesto the Bible, both as general references and specific biblical verses. He encourages further close study of the Bible as a means of truly understanding the word of God and the ways in which we should live outlives in keeping with the Christian faith. The author has words ofwarning, however, for those who reject this faith, or who claim to espouse it while living lives of sin.

Shaping that into marketing copy bores me. This book bores me. Jesus pretty much bores me. So, after copy and pasting that text into Wordso I can edit it, I decided to make it better. I like Candy Land. So, for me better = Candy Land.

To make the necissary improvements, I ran the following search and replace functions:

Find: Christ
Replace with: Candy Land

Find: Jesus
Replace with: Candy Land

Find: God
Replace with: Gramma Nut

Find: K.P. Sookdeo
Replace with: Queen Frostine

Find: bible
Replace with: HasbroGames

Find: Heaven
Replace with: Sugar

Find: Hell
Replace with: Spice

Find: church
Replace with: Gum Drop Mountain

Find: sin
Replace with: Gloppy the Molasses Monster

Find: faith
Replace with: Markov chain (which is the mathmatical term for the wayin which outcomes are determined in Candyland: future states arereached through a probabilistic process instead of a deterministic one)

Then, I changed some pronouns that didn't work and now...
this is the new book:

This is a very personal study of the Candy Landian Markov chain. Queen Frostine calls on many of her own life experiences as she looks at the way Candy Landianity works in modern life. She also considers the variety of ways in which humanity is prone to being led astray from the path of Gramma Nut. The author covers a wide range of aspects of life, including love, wisdom, home life and the way we appear to others, the life of Candy Land, Candy Landmas, the behavior of Gum Drop Mountain leaders, and Sugar and Spice, among others. Queen Frostine relates the issues that she discusses to HasbroGames, both as general references and specific HasbroGamesical verses. She encourages further close study of the HasbroGames as a means of truly understanding the word of Gramma Nut and the ways in which we should live out lives in keeping with the Candy Landian Markov chain. The author has words of warning, however, for those who reject this Markov chain, or who claim to espouse it while living lives with Gloppy the Molasses Monster .

I. WANT. THIS. BOOK.

The end.

E-mail #2: Tim to me

I think it's pretty safe to say you've outdone the book itself. Saving Gloppy the Molasses Monster for the end was a master stroke. He really underscores the slow quagmire of sin that it's so easy to get glopped up in. A didactic tale for all of us.

It bothers me that they changed Gloppy to a chocolate monster in the newer one. As a child I always thought his being an archaic candy was a large part of why he traps you in his swamps and keeps you there. Unmoving, unchanging, like his stubborn refusal to accept modern taste in candy. You just sit there, sticky, while the world passes you by. It's good that he gets company though, however transient.




E-mail #3: Me to Tim

I refuse to accept the new names. Queen Frostine rhymes. Princess Frostine doesn’t. Why did she get demoted? Why did they make her all hot and lithe and ice-skatey? Princess Frostine is a gussied-up little strumpett with a dinky little wand. Queen Frostine had a substantial staff and a parachute of a skirt and, most of all, some self respect! Why make her less powerful both physically and phonetically?

I also agree on Gloppy. I had never thought about the sadness of a monster based on an archaic candy. Now I am picturing the old lady on the street who puts hours into making molasses pops to distribute for Halloween and proudly displays them to trick or treaters only to find that, not only do the children not want and not recognize her confection, but the parents won’t let the kids take them because they aren’t pre-wrapped. That old lady had a patron saint in Gloppy that is now lost.

My main complaint was that a chocolate swamp doesn’t instill fear. Chocolate is not sticky and it does not hold you in one place. You can wade waist deep through Hershey’s syrup with no consequences beyond the stains. In fact, I kind of want to; it sounds fun and delicious. Fall into molasses, and you are fucked. You might even die. There is no surface tension, nothing to keep you up. You just disappear forever with a quiet, “ploop.” Molasses should replace quicksand in all movies. The only person who can’t handle a good chocolate dip is Augustus Gloop.